#9

This week communication was a big topic in one of my classes. We learned about the five secrets of effective communication. My professor, who has been a therapist for many years, told us he has seen many marriages fixed by using that communication method. I have always believed that communication is very important in order to have a successful relationship. This week reinforced my beliefs, it was crazy to hear that couples who were on their way to divorce were saved because they learned how to communicate effectively. Similarly, that divorced couples at each other throats learned how to communicate and were able to co-parent better.

The Five Secrets of Effective Communication

David D. Burns, MD, from his book, “Therapist’s Toolkit”

LISTENING SKILLS

1. The Disarming Technique: Seek and find some truth in what the other person is

saying, even if it seems totally unreasonable or unfair to you.

2. Empathy: Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and try to see the world through his/her eyes.

a. Feeling empathy – Acknowledge how he/she is probably feeling. For example, (husband speaking), “So then the clerk told me to go to the end of the line and that was about all I could take.” (wife speaking) “It sounds like that must have made you really angry.”

b. Thought empathy – Paraphrase the other person’s words. For example, (wife speaking), “I have fourteen things to do that all have to get done by noon today, so I would love to have some help with some of this!” (husband speaking) “You have a lot of things to do today, and you could use my help right now. Is that right?”

3. Inquiry: Ask gentle, probing questions to learn more about what the other person is thinking and feeling.

SELF-EXPRESSION SKILLS

4. “I Feel” Statements: Use “I feel” statements, such as “I feel upset,” rather that

“you” statements, such as “You’re wrong!”, or “You’re making me furious!”

5. Stroking: Find something genuinely positive to say to the other person, even in the heat of battle. Doing so conveys an attitude of respect, even though you may feel very angry with the other person at the moment.

Step number one is important because when you find truth in what the other person is saying, they are more likely to feel like you have been listening to them, hearing them out, and are not against them. Step number two is important because people are more likely to calm down and open up when they feel empathized with. Step three is important because it offers an opportunity to get more information on how the other is feeling and a solution might become more apparent. Step four is important because it is a straightforward way to display your emotions in a way that will not make the other person respond negatively. Finally step five is important because because it sets things on good terms. Even when it might be a heated argument, the other person can be reassured that it will pass because you are still brining positivity into a possibly negative conversation.

I have always had a very strong opinion that communication is necessary for a healthy relationship. I think that I am pretty good at communicating and I sometimes follow some of the five steps without even realizing. Now that I have learned about the five steps, I think I will be more conscious about what I am saying because I will have the steps in the back of my mind. One thing I never really thought about was step five, stroking. When I am angry at someone the last thing I want to do is start complementing them. However, I can see the benefit in finding something positive to say about the other person. I think I will be able to use that tip in the future and better my communication skills.  

I think learning about the five secrets of communication also gives me the ability to teach others how to improve their communication skills. I hope that I can be an example to others and maybe if I can use these steps and keep a positive attitude people will pick up on that. It is also helpful to know because I can pass on my knowledge to others and maybe will have an opportunity to improve relationships in a way.

I think the five secrets to communication can be a powerful tool in peoples lives and it is so simple to use. I usually talk to my family about what I learned over the week, and we talked about the five secrets of communication. It was crazy to hear about examples about relatives who have been able to mend relationships using the five steps. After learning about it I think that it is something everyone should learn about. It is crazy to me that words and how you use them can literally change lives. I think that of people were a little more open to communicating and being positive in arguments it could possibly reduce the number of divorces… who knows. I would recommend to everyone reading to carefully go over the five steps!